3 Ways of Welcoming: A Framework for Introducing a New Sibling

















One of my favorite mom memories is when little Juliana (just shy of age 3) picked up baby Charlotte from her bassinet, carried her to the living room, and plopped her on the floor. At first I thought Julie had just brought one of her dolls out to play with. Imagine my surprise when I realized it was not a doll but rather my precious newborn! Both of them seemed perfectly content, by the way. To this day, I have no idea how Julie – who wasn’t even as tall as the bassinet – managed to get Charlotte out and carry her down the hall.

Another favorite memory is of tandem nursing. Julie enjoyed nursing until she was somewhere between 3 and 4. Cuddling Julie on one side and Charlotte on the other seemed to be the penultimate experience of motherhood to me. Oxytocin is a beautiful thing.


And when I was birthing baby Philip: Charlotte (age 15 months) visited for a bit at the birth center while Julie (age 4) swam in the expansive birthing pool with me while I labored. She eventually fell asleep, and a family member whisked her off for a nap.


There are lots of tips and tricks you might read about to help introduce your newborn to their older sibling. Advice often emphasizes crafting your approach based on the older sibling’s developmental stage; making sure the older sibling understands what’s going on; and ensuring they have attention and love.


I would suggest pregnant families with older siblings consider this framework:


Focus on safety and security: This might look different for each child and for children of different ages. Your preteen or teen may be less interested in cuddling with you and more interested in spending time watching a movie together, going for a drive or doing a shared activity. Smaller children may need extra hugs. Tandem nursing was a beautiful way for me to ensure that my toddler received the touch and comfort she needed. What does your child need to feel safe and secure? As a parent you know that better than anyone.


For more info on tandem nursing, talk to a lactation specialist or visit La Leche League’s article on Breastfeeding During Pregnancy and Tandem Nursing.


Choose an individualized approach: Consider the unique needs of your older child and find ways to ensure they are honored. You can talk to your pediatrician, midwife, or family therapist if you need help with an approach that meets your child’s developmental needs. Every child is different, and we can’t and shouldn’t expect them to respond the same way to a new sibling. What does your child need to understand the changes that come with a new sibling?


Center love and family: Pregnancy and childbirth are normal (and necessary) parts of growing a family in love. This may seem obvious. But I worry that with so much of birth happening inside the hyper-clinical medical system, we have lost the normalcy of this element in everyday life. If you’re planning to birth at home or at a freestanding birth center, consider bringing your children into the experience in a way that makes sense based on their age and needs. Kids and teens of any age will benefit from having a family member or trusted friend in charge of their needs during this time. If you birth in the hospital, familiarize yourself with family visiting policies. Consider bringing the older sibling into the postpartum space (again, under care of a trusted friend or family member) to meet their new sibling. 


If you have questions about how best to introduce a newborn – or if your older sibling is behaving in unexpected ways that worry you – there are resources available. You can talk to your doctor or midwife, your child’s pediatrician or family practice provider, or a behavioral therapist experienced with family development. Trusted friends, family and parent support groups are also great ways to connect about your specific situation. And finally, working with a doula throughout your pregnancy, birth and postpartum experience ensures that you have access to support throughout the whole process.

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