Untitled and Unsure: Phases of Parenting and Becoming

I've been thinking a lot about pregnancy, birth, and new babies. This goes with the territory when you're a doula. 

Thinking, researching, listening, holding space for my clients.

But right now I feel like I'm headed over the edge of a cliff because my own babies are growing up. You know that feeling right before you fall? (You may be especially familiar with this feeling if you live in Minnesota and have ever tried to walk down a hill after freezing rain.) 

That's where I am.

It's every parent's goal to see their children grow up healthy, happy, learning and adventuring. Right?

Yes! But I never, for one moment, thought about this time of my life until it sneaked up on me. I spent a lot of time living in each high intensity moment -- starting with keeping a newborn alive, moving on to shuffling three kids to sports and dance and school, then walking side by side with them as they entered adolescence. 

Then, Juliana married Landon this past spring. 

Next she graduated from basic training late September. She was selected to sing the National Anthem at graduation. Her drawing was selected for the Company's logo wear. She told me she earned a promotion for finishing in the top 10% of her class! 

And now she's in advanced training studying to be a paralegal in the Army, preparing for 3 years of service. 

I would never have predicted this path for her! 

I am so proud. Happy for her. So, so, so proud.

And yet, so confused. I have no idea how to feel. I have all the feels, as they say. By the time I was 16 I remember I wanted nothing more than babies and a family. Julie came along when I was 21. And so my entire adult life, up until now, has been centered around "my babies." Even as I spent time on other pursuits like earning an MBA, poetry, running, dreaming -- the kids were always the backbone of everything I did.

I still have two kids here at home. But things are changing. They're becoming. And I guess I am too.