Doulaing the Doula
Recently I was part of a social media exchange. A doula posted that she had missed a birth and explained the circumstances. The client had a rare but serious complication and had an emergency C-section before the doula could arrive. The birth professional expressed that she felt “awful” and was looking for words of encouragement, support.
Being a doula is hard. Lots of jobs are hard. This one is hard in unique ways. Oftentimes, we pour our hearts and souls into our work. Things are not clear-cut. In one situation the call we make works out perfectly. In another, we make the same call, but we miss a birth or a client is unhappy with services.
I offered words of encouragement and shared a little bit about how I would have handled it, affirming her choices. My main goal was to help her feel less alone and to feel supported. That’s what she asked for.
Over the next few days, comments piled onto the thread. And comments were made upon comments of other commenters.
The first few comments were supportive and affirming.
Other commenters started making criticisms of the choice the doula had made, sometimes qualified by “We are all learning” and similar sentiments.
Many of the comments seemed to miss the point entirely. They commented on details of the birth situation and how the birthing person shouldn’t have received the medical care that they did (and it felt as though the doula was being called on the carpet for not intervening).
After a while, the thread became a mess of comments on comments on comments.
Eventually the original poster commented that she was grateful for the support, especially to those who had been kind. She noted that some of the comments had put her on the defensive and that she was taking the other feedback and growing with it. That was graceful in my view.
But I can’t stop thinking about it.
A Call to Doula Other Doulas
We have to doula other doulas and birthworkers. We all make judgment calls and do the best we can under unpredictable circumstances. We are often up and awake for 36 hours at a time (or even more with spotty sleep) whether or not we are at home waiting for our client to call and tell that they need us – or crashing on a chair in a hospital lounge. We become intimate with our clients in ways that other professionals do not; we use our emotions and our intuition to gauge what is needed; we watch every move during birth and pay close attention to any tonal shift in text messages or communications at visits.
It’s hard work. It’s often not compensated at a level that doulas can make this their full time work. So we do it in addition to other jobs, childcare and other responsibilities. We leave birthday parties, soccer games, or miss weddings to join our clients during their most sacred journeys.
I love it. There is no greater honor.
But what this thread taught me is that it’s not just a misogynistic and overmedicalized society that at times comes down hard on our work; other doulas can be just as violent. Lateral violence consists of covert or overt acts of verbal or nonverbal aggression between coworkers. Usually we hear about this in the workplace, often with nurses (have you heard the term “Nurses eat their young?”). I see what happened on this social media thread as an example of lateral violence.
There is a time to offer suggestions, advice, and reflection. Other times, such as when someone has expressly asked for support and encouragement, it is time to doula our fellow doulas.
Next Steps to Doula Other Doulas
The cornerstone of serving as a doula is understanding what your client needs by asking open questions, offering choices, and reading body language. For example you might ask, “Do you feel you have what you need to make a decision or are you seeking more information on that?” or “Would it be most helpful for me to listen while you process that or are you looking for solutions?” We look to use communication as power and justice both with our clients and in interacting with the healthcare or midwifery care system.
Social media comes with its own set of strange interpersonal dynamics but I don’t think this dynamic is limited to social. Sometimes doulas will say that they don’t feel welcomed by other doulas in their communities or that they have nowhere to go to process tough situations.
In a field where we are on the line offering up our most vulnerable selves during transformative and intense experiences, the direction is clear:
After a while, the thread became a mess of comments on comments on comments.
Eventually the original poster commented that she was grateful for the support, especially to those who had been kind. She noted that some of the comments had put her on the defensive and that she was taking the other feedback and growing with it. That was graceful in my view.
But I can’t stop thinking about it.
A Call to Doula Other Doulas
We have to doula other doulas and birthworkers. We all make judgment calls and do the best we can under unpredictable circumstances. We are often up and awake for 36 hours at a time (or even more with spotty sleep) whether or not we are at home waiting for our client to call and tell that they need us – or crashing on a chair in a hospital lounge. We become intimate with our clients in ways that other professionals do not; we use our emotions and our intuition to gauge what is needed; we watch every move during birth and pay close attention to any tonal shift in text messages or communications at visits.
It’s hard work. It’s often not compensated at a level that doulas can make this their full time work. So we do it in addition to other jobs, childcare and other responsibilities. We leave birthday parties, soccer games, or miss weddings to join our clients during their most sacred journeys.
I love it. There is no greater honor.
But what this thread taught me is that it’s not just a misogynistic and overmedicalized society that at times comes down hard on our work; other doulas can be just as violent. Lateral violence consists of covert or overt acts of verbal or nonverbal aggression between coworkers. Usually we hear about this in the workplace, often with nurses (have you heard the term “Nurses eat their young?”). I see what happened on this social media thread as an example of lateral violence.
There is a time to offer suggestions, advice, and reflection. Other times, such as when someone has expressly asked for support and encouragement, it is time to doula our fellow doulas.
Next Steps to Doula Other Doulas
The cornerstone of serving as a doula is understanding what your client needs by asking open questions, offering choices, and reading body language. For example you might ask, “Do you feel you have what you need to make a decision or are you seeking more information on that?” or “Would it be most helpful for me to listen while you process that or are you looking for solutions?” We look to use communication as power and justice both with our clients and in interacting with the healthcare or midwifery care system.
Social media comes with its own set of strange interpersonal dynamics but I don’t think this dynamic is limited to social. Sometimes doulas will say that they don’t feel welcomed by other doulas in their communities or that they have nowhere to go to process tough situations.
In a field where we are on the line offering up our most vulnerable selves during transformative and intense experiences, the direction is clear:
We should lead with heart.
We should pay attention to what our fellow doulas need to stay healthy and resilient in a tough profession.
Image credit: Designed by freepik.com
Image credit: Designed by freepik.com
