Letting Go in Birth and Parenting
In pregnancy, birth, and parenting there’s a lot that’s out of our control. That’s an enormous mindshift at a fundamental level for many of us. But it’s a necessary mindshift for transitioning into parenting.
In labor, trying to control or fight against the waves of contractions causes pain at best, and stalls labor at worst. In parenting, we can drive ourselves absolutely crazy by hanging on too tightly to outcomes.
Most parents have had some situation that looks like this: you plan a trip to the park; snack bags and extra clothes and supplies are packed. The three-year old is dressed and ready, and the six-month old is strapped into the carseat. Then the three-year-old vomits all over themselves and the car. You’re not going to the park today.
Fans of Star Trek: The Next Generation may recall Patrick Stewart as Captain Picard telling us: “It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.”
I feel a little like an imposter trying to offer any advice on relinquishing the illusion of control. I struggle with perfectionism and I love my checklists. But becoming a mother at age 21 and spending the majority of my adult life as parent of (eventually three) children has offered me the chance to examine how I, myself, can let go of outcomes.
As a doula, sometimes I tell my clients that they will meet themselves in labor – the darkest and the strongest parts – and that this process helps birth themselves as a mother or parent. I was lucky enough to progressively learn more and more about letting go through three labors, finding a virtually pain-free labor with my third in which I leaned hard into being soft.
I have to meet myself every day as I encounter the curveballs that parenting, work life, and human living entail.
